PART 8
The soft sounds of night wrapped around Elrohir, soothing his mind. Taking a deep breath, he slowly walked in his mother's gardens. Above him the moon shone brightly, bathing the flowers in silver. This had always been Elrohir's favorite time of year and he took a moment to savor the peace.
Sitting on a nearby bench, Elrohir's shoulders sagged. The weight of the past week, indeed the past ten years, lay heavily upon him. Ever since his father's disappearance, his mind seemed stuck in the moment he had found his mother. He was back in that moment when he first saw her, a lump of broken flesh and bloodied limbs.
Even now the memory made him sick. The stench of orcs and death that clung to her, the empty look in her eyes would haunt him forever. But it was worse now. He had spent the last week with that memory but in place of his mother, all he could see was his father and the thought chilled him to the core.
Elrond had always seemed like an impenetrable fortress. Elrohir had been raised with stories of his father's prowess in battle, had seen him spar with his guards and watched him turn enemies into allies in the council room. There was nothing beyond his father's powers. As he grew older, of course some of the myth faded away to reveal merely an elf, but somewhere in his heart Elrohir never let himself believe his father could really be hurt. In some ways, his father's abduction and torture was more shattering to him than his mother's.
"Care for some company?" said a soft voice. Elrohir's head snapped up and he looked into the concerned eyes of his mentor.
"Of course," he said quickly, gesturing for Erestor to sit beside him. The advisor looked at the bench for a moment and then looked at Elrohir for an even longer moment before gently shaking his head. A small smile pulled at his lips as he extended his own hand.
"Come with me," Erestor beckoned. Confused, Elrohir hesitantly placed his hand in Erestor's. The advisor swiftly pulled him to his feet and began running further into the garden.
"Erestor! What are you doing?" Elrohir demanded, struggling to keep his feet as he was dragged along. He was answered with Erestor's laughter. Despite his delight at hearing the advisor's gentle laugh, it concerned him. Erestor never laughed.
They weaved their way through the intricate gardens. When they finally came out, Erestor abruptly stopped, causing Elrohir to bump into them. Both fell to the ground.
Grumbling, Elrohir made to rise, but Erestor caught his wrist and tugged him back down.
"What?" Elrohir demanded, not in the mood for games.
"Look," Erestor commanded, pointing at the heavens. The twin obediently looked up, seeing his grandfather's star. Frowning, he returned his gaze to the advisor. Erestor lay flat on his back, staring up at the stars. When he remained silent, Elrohir sighed and settled on the grass beside him. He looked skyward, though he did not actually see anything, his mind once more consumed with sorrow.
"It is a beautiful night, is it not?" Erestor said nonchalantly. Elrohir sighed.
"Do you wish for me to make a wish on grandfather's star?" he asked, remembering their earlier conversation. That seemed like a lifetime ago.
"No. We both agreed I made up that story."
"Then why are we here?" Elrohir demanded, levering himself up to look at the reclining advisor. Erestor turned his head, his expression serious.
"You are brooding," he said gravely. Elrohir snorted.
"Of course, I am brooding! I think I have just cause to be morose!" he said heatedly.
"Really? I can't think of one," the advisor said calmly. Elrohir's jaw went slack with shock and for a moment he could only look dumbly at Erestor.
"You can't think of one?" he asked incredulously. "How about the fact that father was kidnapped by orcs for one? Or that he is now lying in the Healing Hall suffering from broken bones and lash marks for another! Is that not cause enough!" Elrohir demanded. Erestor's expression remained calm.
"My lord is safely home now and his injuries will mend. It will not be long before he is better, especially with his husband by his side," he said softly.
"Perhaps his physical wounds will heal, but torture by orcs is not something you just forget. He won't be the same," Elrohir insisted.
"Your father is very strong, Elrohir. He has suffered worse things than this and survived. Everything we do affects us and changes us, but your father will not let those bastards win by giving into fear or hate. They are beneath him and he knows it. As soon as he is healed, all trace of them will truly be gone for he will not remember it. It doesn't matter," Erestor whispered. Elrohir scowled.
"Then what of mother? She had not his strength and was overcome with fear. Surely her loss is reason enough for me to be sad."
"So, we finally address your mother." Erestor's eyes softened as he regarded his young charge. He remained silent for a long moment and Elrohir began to fidget under his gaze.
"Elrohir," he finally said. "We cannot change the past. What happened was a horrible tragedy, but dwelling on it does no good."
"Then we should just forget?" Elrohir cut in angrily, the wound still fresh. "We should become complacent and let another suffer so? Does not father's torment prove the value of remembering the past?"
"Remembering it with purpose is different from letting the memory rule you. Can you not see that when you let the actions of another rule your life, they win. You are letting the orcs win and making your mother's suffering valueless."
"The orcs do not rule my life!" Elrohir yelled. Erestor's words hit a nerve.
"Do they not?" Erestor demanded right back, sitting up. "Have you not spent every day since her attack thinking about killing orcs, obsessing over the safety of others and recklessly endangering yourself in vain pursuit of these monsters?"
"There is just cause for worry. Again, I put forth father's recent trial as evidence. The orcs must be stopped."
"And I use his torment for my own argument. You and your brother have spent the last ten years in the wild, killing hundreds of orcs and yet still their number has increased, their threat not lessened in the least. It is true that the orcs must be stopped but that is not the reason you go out hunting. If your true goal was to put an end to their race, you would patiently set traps for the beasts, analyzing their strengths and weaknesses and utilizing the full might of Glorfindel's army. The very fact that the orc army has grown so large is proof that you are not thinking in a tactically sound manner when you are out hunting. Your rage consumes you."
"You are a mere advisor. You do not know what you are talking about," Elrohir hissed.
"I know that no amount of killing will bring your mother back, nor will it assuage your guilt!" Erestor yelled. The younger elf looked as though he had been struck in the face. For a moment all was still. The advisor held his breath, waiting for Elrohir's reaction.
Suddenly, the twin collapsed, his body shaking with sobs. Erestor quickly held him, rocking him as he used to do when Elrohir was younger. For several minutes, the young elf violently cried and Erestor began to fear he'd gone too far. But slowly the sobs subsided to sniffles. Erestor continued to hold the young twin.
"I miss her," Elrohir finally whispered, leaning into Erestor's embrace. "I wish she hadn't gone. I wish I'd been able to save her, that those beasts had never laid eye on her. I want her to come back. Why did she leave me?" He asked the questions that he had forced down, forcing himself to be stronger than there was cause to be.
"Oh, Elrohir," Erestor said compassionately. "You know very well that she had to leave, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt nor should you ignore your feelings. The whole thing was horrible but you are entitled to feel bad. It wasn't your fault that she was hurt and you did all you could for her. It's time to let it go."
Elrohir was silent for a long while, his head tucked against the advisor's shoulder. Finally he looked up, his eyes red but clear.
"You are right," he sighed, removing himself from Erestor's embrace. The advisor tried to hide his disappointment. He watched as the younger twin looked up to the heavens. "It is a beautiful night."
Elrohir turned, giving Erestor a gentle smile. The advisor returned his smile. Without words, both lay back down and contemplated the beauty of the stars.
~~~
Elrond sighed, sinking back into his pillows. Every fiber of his being protested in weariness, but he could not rest. He had finally managed to send his children to their beds when an anxious Glorfindel had appeared. The captain looked so miserable and Elrond expended a great deal of energy trying to soothe his faithful bodyguard. It was obvious to him, though, that his words of reassurance had not been accepted. Like his children, Elrond would have to comfort the blonde once his strength returned.
Glorfindel had been all set to sit guarding the door for the rest of the night, though it was obvious that he was tired from his long week in the saddle and from the stress of Elrond's disappearance. The Lord of Imladris tried to reason with him, but he remained stubborn. Finally, he had ordered him to bed. Glorfindel had agreed only after Elrond allowed a guard to be posted at his door.
The situation reminded him of Celebrían's torment, only then he was completely healthy with the strength to look after the emotional well being of his children and to assuage Glorfindel's guilt that he had not been there to protect her. Elrond could only hope that this time the feelings of guilt and pain would not poison the souls of those he loved before he was strong enough to deal with them.
At the moment, he felt an overwhelming sense of despondency. He did not have the strength to handle all of this, and though he knew Erestor would help where he could, it was obvious the advisor was also suffering. Elrond was not worried about Erestor. The younger elf was pragmatic enough to accept that some things could not be changed and he should not be faulted for them. Elrond wished the others had such an outlook.
"I will help you bear this burden," a warm voice eased into his mind. A gentle hand caressed his cheek. Elrond savored the nearness of his husband, feeling all of his tension ooze from him. He felt the bed dip as Oromë sat beside him, gently taking him into his embrace. Elrond happily snuggled against him.
"Do not worry, my love. Already, Erestor has taken Elrohir under his wing and he will keep an eye on Glorfindel as well. Arwen is determined to keep her brothers here. She will force Elladan to see he is needed here and having a goal will help her through the next few months. Doubtless though, you will have to endure everyone checking in on you every few minutes to see if you're still alive. But I am here, beloved. I will help you take care of your loved ones."
Elrond murmured something, already fast asleep. Smiling, Oromë stroked his half-elf's silken hair. He waited until he felt Elrond completely surrender to sleep before indulging in his own fears. For Elrond's sake, he would be strong. The Vala was not unlike Erestor in this regard, knowing that guilt and self-blame were useless emotions. Though he did not have these feelings, his mind was filled with the image of his beloved hurt and despairing. He had heard his husband's thoughts of death, and the thought of losing Elrond chilled him to the core.
For a moment, Oromë protested his separation from Elrond. If he had been allowed to stay where he wanted, Elrond would not have been hurt. Oromë would have been able to easily track him down, pendant or not. And he would not really be in the way. During the Second Age, he had managed to see his beloved without anyone knowing. They could do that again.
Elrond shifted beside Oromë, sighing contentedly. The Hunter sighed as well. In his heart he knew he could not do that to Elrond. It would be too hard for him to live in secret and the half-elf would turn to him for guidance when he should look to himself. Oromë had to remind himself it was only a few more years and then they could live as they wanted.
Positioning himself more comfortably on the bed, Oromë gazed on his beloved. He would spend as much time as he could now, savoring his lover. The Vala watched over his Elrond.
~~~
Sensing someone was watching them, Oromë cracked open one of his eyes. Hovering near the door, Elladan watched them with an unreadable expression. The Vala closed his eye and relaxed, knowing Elrond was in no danger.
Despite his promise to his father, Elladan could not stay away. Sleep had eluded him for the past hours as images of his father's injuries haunted his dreams. Since his twin was out somewhere, Elladan decided to assuage his worries by visiting his father.
He was unprepared for what he found. His father lay nestled in the arms of the Vala, who seemed to dwarf the tiny healing bed with his large frame. A soft glow surrounded them, emanating from the glorious Vala of the Hunt. What shocked him more was the look of contentment and peace on his father's face. It was a stark contrast from the last time he had seen his mother sleeping.
Elladan remembered that night. It was the moment that he knew there was no hope for his mother. She had been home for a few weeks after her attack, her body healing but her mind descending into darkness. Respecting her wishes not to be seen, Elrond had forbidden his children to visit her. Elladan had chafed under the restriction, absolutely sure that if he could just see her, tell her that he loved her, Celebrían would not leave.
Sneaking past Glorfindel just as he had now crept past the guard the Captain had posted, he had approached her room with high hopes. One look at her made his heart sink. She looked so small lying in that bed, her bones easily visible through her transparent skin. Elladan could see small shivers running through her. But it was the expression on her face that broke his heart.
Celebrían's eyes were open, as one would rest when sleeping in a potentially dangerous place. Her face was twisted in pain and horror, but her eyes were blank of any emotion. Seeing her like that, Elladan had suddenly felt like an intruder. With tears in his eyes, he had left. He had never told his twin what he had done.
Now, as he gazed on his peaceful father, he tried to recall if there was ever a time his father had looked so relaxed and could think of none. Whenever he thought of his father, he pictured him with deep furrows of worry on his brow, but in the Vala's arms, those lines disappeared.
As he watched, Elrond murmured contentedly and rubbed his cheek against the Hunter's broad chest. Elladan swallowed, finding his throat thick with emotion.
The elder twin hated when he was forced to face a truth he wasn't ready for. It was so much easier to blame his father for his mother's departure rather than to face the truth that the love of her children was not enough to keep her here. It was also easier not to think of his father's loneliness, the possibility that Elrond had never been truly happy in his marriage or that it was Celebrían who pushed them into it. Even after his conversation with his brother, Elladan still wasn't ready to believe his mother could be in any way at fault for her failed marriage.
But here was a Vala, the husband of his father, just as Erestor had said. Oromë had done what Elladan could not, easily finding and saving Elrond from certain death. With the presence of his husband, Elrond's torture was easily forgotten. The power of true love was extraordinarily remarkable, and it only intensified Elladan's guilt that he could not protect those he loved.
"You are not to blame," a deep voice rumbled. Startled, Elladan looked to see a pair of glittering eyes watching him from the bed. "Some things are beyond our control. Guilt over such things does no good. Your mother has never blamed you and she would not wish you to feel this way."
Elladan stared wide-eyed at the glowing Ainu. His words seemed more powerful than their content, touching him to the core. Stunned both at being found sneaking into his father's healing room and the force of words he was not yet ready to deal with, Elladan turned and ran.
Oromë watched him sadly. Elrond mumbled unhappily, having sensed his son's distress. Closing his eyes, the Hunter mentally followed the young elf's flight through the house, eventually stumbling into his twin's room. The Vala opened his eyes, sensing that Elrohir had returned to the house and was now looking after his brother. Hopefully Erestor's words to Elrohir would help the younger twin calm the storm in Elladan's soul.
Holding Elrond closer, he kissed his brow, willing him to relax. Elrond smiled in his sleep, promptly settling against his husband.
~~~
Frowning, Erestor studied those at the table. The advisor sat in his usual place at the opposite end from Elrond's now empty seat. The twins sat on his left while Glorfindel and Arwen sat on his right. Elladan's face was sheet white and his eyes were red from crying, something Erestor had never seen the older twin do. His brother kept glancing at him from the corner of his eye. Whatever peace he had found in his conversation with the councilor now seemed gone. Both had barely touched their breakfast.
Glorfindel, on the other hand, made no pretense of eating, but rather openly glared at his plate as though it had offended him. His arms were crossed tightly before his chest, his whole aura screaming to be left alone. Arwen seemed to notice the tension in the air, trying valiantly to ease it with conversation. Finally, she settled on speaking with Erestor as he seemed the only one amenable to the idea.
After a while, both fell silent. The atmosphere did not seem right for talking. Arwen began to push her food around her plate too. Exasperated, Erestor threw his napkin onto his plate.
"What is wrong with everyone this morning?" he demanded. Everyone's heads snapped in his direction.
"Nothing," Elladan said, looking back at his plate. Glorfindel sniffed critically before directing his gaze at the ceiling. Elrohir and Arwen exchanged a look before looking at the other two. The younger twin looked back at Erestor, a pleading look in his eyes. Obviously, he was at a loss on how to help his brother.
Erestor sighed, but decided to tackle the easier problem first. "Glorfindel," he said in his most commanding voice. The golden haired elf turned to look at him again, his expression one of slight surprise. "Would you kindly stop moping like a child? You're setting a bad example for the twins."
Glorfindel blinked and glanced at the twins, who produced identical frowns. Obediently, he uncrossed his arms. It wasn't an ideal solution. Glorfindel obviously still suffered guilt for his lord's torture and that would have to be addressed, but the mention of the twins reminded him that he was not that only one suffering. He, like Arwen, would put his own pain aside for them.
The twins wanted no such consideration. Erestor turned his attention to them. "And you two stop scowling and brooding. You're upsetting your sister." Arwen turned bright pink at the sudden scrutiny of the other three elves at the table. Clearing her throat nervously, she reached for her water goblet.
"Now then," Erestor continued as though he had not noticed her discomfort. "I believe the both of you have duties to attend to in the barracks and I know Huandil has the reports from the troops ready for your perusal, Lord Glorfindel. If you will excuse me, I'd like to check on Lord Elrond before beginning my own work. Good day." With that he rose and left, leaving the rest of the table speechless.